Holiday Traditions

Chocolates in the Advent calendar and reading the Christmas story day by day to my mom....fat, bald Santa in his little wooden sleigh (a much loved decoration in my house)....walking to the woods to pick a Christmas tree for my dad to cut down....unwrapping each little wooden figurine for the creche...Candlelight service culminating in singing "Joy to the World"....playing "The Little Drummer Boy" over and over in my living room while sipping fresh hot apple cider....my cousins ringing sleigh bells out in the snowy cold so I would go to bed thinking Santa had arrived...reading my Dad's Christmas letter....

These are the memories of my family traditions. When I recall them they are misty and faraway but warm and comforting. I don't remember feelings of running around, rushing to buy presents for everyone, feeling a need to go to every holiday party, or needing to get exactly the right decorations for the exterior of the house. I remember love.  I remember family.  I remember connection.  I remember happiness.

What I know is that traditions aren't about the things you did...they're about the people you did them with and the feelings they evoked in you. Every year is an opportunity to return to those loving feelings and to create new traditions in your holiday season. 

I don't need gifts, or parties, or cards, or anything else to maintain these traditions. All I need is family, friends, love, and connection. So in just about a week you will find me sipping hot apple cider, listening to "The Little Drummer Boy,"  in front of a warm fire with those I love.

In-Between

Death takes what it will, but it leaves us waiting in the in-between. In between our old life and the new. Crying over memories long gone, while avoiding making new ones without the person we've lost. In between a life of carefree assurances that nothing bad will happen and an existential dread of the next loss.  In between who we hoped we could be and who we are.

In the immediate aftermath of loss we try to maintain what was. We accept condolences and well wishes and seek comfort where we find it. As time passes, well wishers disappear and we're left with a world that seems to be not so patiently tapping its foot waiting for us to get back to "normal."

Normal doesn't exist in the in-between.

What was normal feels distant and sepia-toned.
What will be normal hasn't yet arrived.

There are glimpses of the life to come, but they are cordoned off by hazy reflections of the life that's gone.

Moving from the in-between into the future is a choice. A choice that some never find the space to make. It requires a careful balancing of the known value of our past experience and the unknown potential of the life we have yet to live. It requires a letting go of the intense feelings of loss and accepting the deep continued grief that goes with loving and losing others.

Balance as long as you need to in the in-between. There are many of us here. Eventually something will tip the balance and a spark of hope will begin to burn.  When you've sat long enough in the space of the in-between you'll know it's time to stand up and walk on. Your future self patiently waits for you to begin to live again. 

It's ok. Take the time you need in the in-between.
It's where healing begins.


   

Leadership in an Unconscious World

In this year of wildly partisan politics, it seems to me we are past due for a primer in the fundamental qualities we might look for in a leader. I used to love politics and spent hours discussing them with my late father throughout my lifetime. This year I cringe at the thought of anymore conversations involving the upcoming election. What has changed? The tenor of the argument. Somehow we have unconsciously decided to project all of our unmet needs, expectations, and fears on the candidates making for a thoroughly hysterical discussion at best.

I have yet to hear an argument from anyone about either candidate that seems well thought out, carefully considered, or rational. No matter my personal politics, even those whose views essentially align with my own seem unable to calmly discuss the matters at hand. I hear anger and accusations from all directions, and little concern for the perceived "other." The more each side tries to prove their point, the more they force the other side into defensiveness. Or so it seems from the sidelines.

I remember watching videos years ago of fights breaking out in the parliaments or ruling bodies of foreign lands, and I also remember wondering how they got to that point. Now I understand. When we are so attached to our own beliefs, we lose sight of the humanity of those who believe differently. At some point we become seemingly unable to truly have a discourse and we devolve into the  current state of affairs - anger and attacks abound....compassion and kindness evaporate.

We have offered up candidates who align with our ideas of our best selves and our unconscious fears of our worst selves, or the parts we relegate to the shadow of the psyche. If you ask a Trump supporter what they like about him, you hear echoes of the best of the masculine - strength, directness, family, protection.  If you ask a Clinton supporter what they like about her, you hear traces of the best of the feminine - relationship building, compassion, understanding. If you ask a Trump detractor what they don't like about him, you hear projections of the worst of the masculine - anger, bigotry, bullying, fear of the other.  If you ask a Clinton detractor what they don't like about her, you hear projections of the worst of the feminine - liar, shrill voice, bitch.

What if they are simply canvases upon which we are projecting our hopes and fears? What if our lack of attention to our own personal and collective unconscious has left us unable to see them for who they are - people, with pros and cons, like us all.  I imagine that were we more in touch with our own inner feminine and masculine we would have no need for projecting the disowned parts of ourselves onto our political candidates.

The narrative of the media is that the choice we make will change the world - and in ways too many to count, it will. However, the world has changed before and will change again regardless of our specific choices. This narrative serves only to force us into a collective fight or flight response that shuts down our ability to reason and to collectively move towards compromise and collaboration. As a psychotherapist the only role I have in this melee is to calm the reactive brains. When we allow ourselves to move into the primal parts of our brain we lose the ability to reason and rationally approach the issues at hand.

Whatever happens in November, we can begin a new dialogue down here in the trenches that includes respect for differing ideas, more listening than talking, and a movement towards a compassionate discourse of the complicated issues that face us as a society. If we do the work to own our own shadow qualities along with accepting that we too can be the heroes in our daily interactions, only then will we move towards a respectful, collaborative political environment.

"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say:  we did it ourselves."  Lao Tzu

Why I Walk for Suicide

On June 27th I will participate in my 2nd annual American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk.  The Overnight Walk is an event geared towards promoting awareness around suicide. It is a walk of 18 miles this year which begins in the early evening and continues throughout the night.  Walkers raise $1000 each which goes to fund AFSPs efforts to promote awareness, provide support, and encourage preventative measures in the fight against suicide.  

Every year suicide claims the lives of more than 40,000 people in this country.  It is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. and, in fact, is the 5th leading cause of death for adults age 18-64.  To put it into understandable terms, every 12.8 minutes someone takes their own life....about 112 per day.  Every minute someone is making an attempt to end their life.  Thankfully about 11 of those people's plans are intercepted and they are given the care they need to live a fulfilling life. 

Ninety percent of people who die by suicide have diagnosable psychiatric disorders at the time of their death.    Why is that number so important?  It tells us that many of the people who choose to take their own life perhaps are in a state of shifted perspective which may affect their ability to make choices that fit with who they are when they are not suffering with mental health issues.  For at least some of these people access to mental health services may make the difference between life and death.  For many of these people just connecting with a mental health professional who can help them understand how to manage their mental health may change their perspective. 

I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Maryland and I own a private practice which strives to meet the mental health needs of the community. Suicide matters to me because it's my business, but it mattered long before I ever started counseling.  Suicide is professional to me, but it's also very personal.  I have lost eight first-degree relationships (meaning I knew them directly) to suicide, and I understand that I cannot look away from this tragedy.  I am drawn to work directly in the path of suicide in the names of those I've known, loved, and lost. And so I walk.

My grandfather, my father's father, took his own life in his 50s.  He suffered with mood disorder issues that eventually led to some type of psychosis during which he made the choice to kill himself.  I never knew him, and I learned very little about him through my father.  He was not talked about.  His death was talked about even less.  As for many people, it was introduced to me as an accident, when I started asking questions.  The gun had "accidentally" discharged.  He had "accidentally" shot himself.  He was "accidentally" no longer with us.  That didn't make sense.  I didn't understand how it was possible.  Being a questioner...I questioned.  Not my father, because I knew.  Somehow I knew that he wouldn't...or couldn't...talk about it.  The silence on this topic was deafening.  I learned much of what I know through my mother.  I pondered it for hours...days....weeks...months...years. 

I went through the stages of grief for someone I didn't even know.  I was in denial vicariously.  By not telling me the truth, my family denied the death.  I bargained with the universe, with my dead grandfather, saying "if you'd only known me, you would have wanted to live,"  "if you'd waited it would have been worth it."  But he didn't.  There were no grandchildren then, and given the stories I've heard, he wouldn't have been very involved with us anyway.  It wasn't his thing.  I got angry.  I cursed him in my mind, wished him into hell.  Common knowledge said people who kill themselves go to hell.  So I envisioned him there.  And I wanted him there.  I was angry that not only did he deny me the right to know him, he denied me the right to know about him because no one talked about him. 

He was a big empty hole in the family.  A big, dark, scary place that no one wanted to visit or mention.  My father once said, completely offhandedly, "you're just like my father."  I held my breath when he said it.  He had never mentioned his father....at all.  And now this.  I was like him.  I didn't know what to do with those feelings.  I went from anger to fear.  What if he meant I'd do something like that too?  What if he thought I'd kill myself.  Reviewing that comment over and over I finally recognized that he meant simply that I loved animals, as did his father (I think I had just saved a field mouse from the cat or something).  He wasn't comparing me entirely to his father, but connecting a piece he loved in me with a piece he loved in his father.  

Years later in my adulthood,  I became sad for this loss.  All of the anger I had expressed internally shifted to a profound sadness.  I was sad for not knowing this man who was more than his suicide.  I was sad that nobody could help him. I was sad for my grandmother who had found him.  I was sad for my father who couldn't speak of such an important person in his life. I was sad for my siblings and I for never having known our grandfather.  And I was most importantly sad for a world in which this was stigmatized and shut off from our experience as a collective people. I walk daily with this sadness.

My grandfather was the first suicide I knew.  The first suicide I had to grieve.  It was in some ways easier as I hadn't known him, so my grieving was held in the imagination rather than in the actual day-to-day experience of my world.  He was not the last.  In 6th grade a classmate took his own life and we were given very little to no support in grieving his death.  In a class of just over 30 this was a tremendous burden on myself and my classmates, and I still recognize effects in my life 30+ years later.  After graduating, three more classmates took their lives.  Did they do this because the door opened with the first?  I don't know.  Part of me wondered how they could do it when they knew how much it hurt to be left behind.  Each of these four people was suffering, and suffering far more than any of us around them could recognize. I realized early on that suicide takes the pain of one suffering being and multiples it then divides it by the people who love that person.  I walk daily with the pain of these losses.

So I became a counselor.  I remember my father telling me once that he had one worry about my future work.  This worry was that someday a client of mine would end their life in suicide.  My father was accurate in his prediction that this would happen.  Two of my clients took their own life years after leaving counseling with me.  One client took his life five days after a visit with me.   Grieving these losses has been a long and lonely road, but one I must walk. 

Talking about my experience of the deaths of  my clients was the closest my father and I ever got to talking about his father's death.  He was supportive and I strongly relied on him as I worked through my feelings about these losses.  There is something about talking to another person who has suffered loss by suicide that is comforting.  I didn't have to explain to him how I felt; he already knew.  I longed to ask about his father, but I kept putting it off for another day.  I had planned to ask him specific questions about his father's death when I was to visit him on his birthday October 13, 2015. 

My father left this world on October 3, 2015.  I never got to ask.  However, he did not take his own life, and for that I am thankful to him.  He breathed until he could breath no more.  And I like to think there was heroism in his last years which were difficult for him with a chronic illness.  I believe that perhaps my father endured those difficulties for us, so that we wouldn't have to bear the burden he did of losing a parent to suicide.  And so I walk in memory of him too, for being quietly brave in the face of many sources of pain.

On June 27th in Boston, I will walk.  I will walk 18 miles in honor of the eight I've lost, in honor of the others who are lost to people I know, and for the thousands who I never knew.  I will walk to shine a light in the darkness that is clinical depression, suicide, and the after-effects of such tragedies.  I will walk for change by bringing the topic of suicide to the forefront where it belongs.  I will walk to honor the idea that we all struggle, that we all push through much more than anyone will ever imagine, and that we are all connected. 

I will walk because I can and for all of those who can't. 

This post is in memory of John, Geoff, David, Joe, Jamie, Brian, Keith, Travis, 

and my dad, Samuel Dunham Fairchild.  

 May you all walk with me in spirit always and forever. 

Be still

"Men cannot see their reflections in running water, 

but only in still water."  

~Chuang-Tzu

I stumbled upon this quote the other day when I was feeling particularly irritated with someone in my life who seemed hellbent on not listening to what I was trying to say.  I was pointing out this person's way of being in the world and how that affects people with whom he interacts.  I was giving it the old "this is my experience of you in the world," but it was not finding a comfortable place to land in his psyche.  I was fairly well fed up. 

And then this quote happened.....and I almost overlooked it (because I was so intent on getting someone else to hear my wisdom).  And then this quote began to sink in.....and I realized I was much like the running water.  And then I recognized that I was making it impossible for this person to see his own reflection....because he was too busy defending himself against my words. 

As always it was much easier to see how I could use this with others.  I became quiet and stopped saying my piece.  I became still and waited.  It took a while, but eventually a conversation happened (not at my behest, but in a very organic, natural way).  That conversation was much more fruitful than any of my talking ever would have been.  Simply because I became still. 

Then the quote happened again....and I realized it wasn't just about me with others, but it was about me with me.  How often do I avoid sitting in stillness because I have much to do?  How often do I go running off at the mouth rather than inviting myself to a peaceful, calm, still place where I can really learn something about myself?  How often am I trying to find my reflection in running water and finding it hard to piece it all together?

And so I'll be still. 
I hope you'll join me. 

Awaken to your best self.  

Improving Sleep

More and more of my clients seem to be complaining of insomnia or difficulty sleeping these days.  It's one of the questions I try to ask regularly, as sleep is such an important component of our mental and physical healthiness, but we seem to always to put good sleep habits on the back burner for another day. 

Why is sleep so important anyway?

Sleep rejuvenates and refreshes us.  It keeps us healthy in body and mind.  New information gained in a day needs to be incorporated into memory and part of this process happens while we're sleeping.  So if you're cutting back on sleep you may be making it more difficult to retain what you've learned throughout the day.  In addition, difficulty sleeping can both indicate underlying mental health issues or can exacerbate them. Lack of sleep is highly correlated with  mood fluctations and the onset of various cyclical mental health issues.  One of the first things I try to regulate with patients in a mental health setting is their sleep habits.  One we're able to do this, many of their symptoms begin to dissipate. 

Physically, not getting enough sleep can wreak havoc with your body, disrupting hormones and causing weight gain and cardiovascular issues.  In addition, our immune response is affected by how much quality sleep we get; therefore, lack of sleep can lead to increased illnesses.

There are safety issues at play as well.  If I'm not sleeping well at night, my body will try to regain rest during the day.  Many daily activities can become highly dangerous if the person performing them isn't well rested. 

Why aren't you sleeping?

Finding out the source of your sleep difficulties may be almost impossible, but you can often narrow it down to a few potential areas of concern.  Depending on which areas are issues for you, the solutions will vary.

Are you experiencing discomfort or pain that keeps you awake?  If you have chronic pain issues these will definitely disrupt your sleep.  Dealing with those issues is a must and there are many options such as relaxation exercises that sooth sore muscles, more comfortable bedding, and medication if necessary.

Do you struggle to sleep because your mind is racing?  An anxious mind can wreak havoc on a sleep schedule.  Many of us no sooner lay our head on the pillow than we're planning the next week's activities and mentally rehashing today's events.

Is there a medical condition that contributes to your poor sleep?  Weight gain, sleep apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome....these and many other conditions can make sleep near impossible.

Are there external interruptions to your sleep?  Crying baby, restless barking dog, loud neighborhood, leaving the TV on.....all of these external factors can interrupt sleep cycles keeping you from getting the best night's sleep possible.

Create a relaxing area in which to sleep

For any and all of the sleep disruptions listed above, the first step in improving sleep is to create a relaxing sleep environment.  The bedroom should really only be used for sleep and sex (topic for another week!), and there are ways to make it conducive to both endeavors.  Think about what's most comfortable to you.  From a puffy mattress to a firm mattress, there's something for everyone.  Adding many pillows, or having just one....whatever is most comfortable to you is what you should create.  Colors in the bedroom should be muted.  Bright colors stimulate the mind, while a more muted palate encourages relaxation and sleep.  Using rugs and wall hangings to quiet sounds from outside or in the rest of the house can lessen external interruptions to sleep.  Lighting should be dim.  Again, the goal is to create a quiet, relaxing haven in an effort to tell the brain its time to relax and sleep.

Create a sleep routine

Our brains like to know what's coming next, and using the lull of a routine to lead us off to sleep is a great place to start.  Create a nightly routine that tells your brain you're getting ready to relax and sleep.  Do all of your nightly hygiene tasks in the same order at about the same time nightly.  If there's a particular type of music that's relaxing to you, put it on nightly to trigger your bedtime routine.  Avoid various technology that uses bright screens.  Working on the laptop, iPad, phone, etc. before bedtime can intensify brain activity leading to poor night's sleep.  If your mind starts working through anxious thoughts, keep a pad of paper handy to write down the thoughts quickly in an effort to save them for tomorrow, when you can actually do something about them.

Start this week by trying to create a relaxing sleep environment and a sleep routine....next week I'll share some tried and true relaxation techniques to help improve your sleep even more.

Sleep well.


Awaken to your best self. 

Whole Healing Model

I believe there is something very wrong with our medical system. Although I work in behavioral/mental health rather than being a medical doctor, the systems are almost identical. The influence of managed care has had an effect on both systems, and while I am grateful both personally and professionally for the access to healthcare afforded by health insurance, I believe it is corrupting the effectiveness of care.

Did you know that if you expect your insurance to cover a medical or mental health service, you must have a diagnosable condition? Did you know that some managed care organizations then dictate the terms of treatment based on diagnosis? It is a disease/disorder based system. Generally speaking medical professionals don't ask what's going right in your world, they ask what's wrong. At an initial intake in my office I want to take the time to understand strengths and weaknesses, to be able to use a client's own skillset and personality traits to help lessen problematic symptoms and to increase positive interactions and feelings. When managed care is involved, I have less freedom to do this. I am required to find a diagnosis... A Problem.

But what if we're looking at this backwards. In the medical model we are becoming more and more aware that it makes sense to provide preventative treatment rather than to respond to crises of disease. It makes more sense to lower cholesterol through diet and exercise rather than providing services to someone suffering from resultant heart disease years later. Managed care is coming along but they still lag behind. I'm not sure most insurance plans would pay for ongoing nutritional counseling or exercise programs, even though both promote good health. Nor will most insurance companies cover alternative treatments like massage or acupuncture even though these types if treatments have proven to be helpful for many conditions and in reducing overall stress.

The behavioral health system faces the same dilemmas. Managed care will cover office visits, but there are no organizations if which I am aware that will cover ongoing counseling without a diagnosable disorder. Grief counseling, career counseling, ongoing therapeutic support are not options unless you have a diagnosable condition or choose to pay out of pocket.

I think we would be a healthier and happier society if we focused on prevention and wellness rather than crisis and illness in both the medical system and in mental health services. I don't want to be limited to symptoms and disorders when I could be joining clients on a journey to psychological wellness and growth. The only way this system changes is by the consumer demanding change. We pay the premiums for health insurance and we can continue to push the system in a healthier, more sustainable direction.  We need to be putting a premium on preventative services and ongoing relationships with Primary Care doctors and mental health professionals.  These relationships are the building blocks for healing the entire person, not just treating symptoms.

Awaken to your best self.

Easiest meditation routine ever

I often suggest to my patients that they try meditation.  Whether they're looking to reduce anxiety, improve situations in their lives, or understand things they're not currently understanding, meditation seems to be a good starting point.  Almost all of them have the same reaction when I suggest meditating...."Me?  No, I couldn't do that.  My mind won't slow down long enough for that."  To which I reply, "That's exactly why it's so important."

We have lost the ability to be alone with ourselves it seems.  We have become a society of action seekers.  We fill our lives with things, and people and places without taking the time to commune with nature, or our thoughts, or our selves.  And as we lose touch with these things, our anxiety and unease increase.  We search for meaning, but we're like hungry dogs after a bone.  We chase and force and fight to find something to hold onto.  But we're often left feeling let down....empty.

I suggest that we pause daily to reconnect with our deepest selves.  Then when we return to the hustle and bustle of our lives we'll bring calm, centered energy to the moment.

Meditation doesn't have to be anymore complicated then sitting/standing/walking in reflective silence.  Trying to allow our minds to empty of both the trivialities and major worries we encounter moment to moment.

So here's my recipe for the easiest meditation routine ever:

• Set a timer.  Begin with just two minutes and work your way upwards as the routine becomes more comfortable to you.
• Find a quiet spot.
• Sit comfortably. Or walk if that works.
• Close your eyes. Unless you're walking.
• Breath.
• Breath a little more deeply.
• Allow yourself to be focused on your breath.  Pay attention as you inhale.  Pay attention to the space between inhalation and exhalation.  Pay attention as you exhale.
• Feel yourself relaxing with each breath.
• If thoughts arise, allow them to pass, and come back to breathing.
• Keep focusing on your breath.
• Continue this until your timer goes off.

That's it.  That's all you have to do to begin meditating.  If you can breathe.....you can meditate.  There are many other techniques you can learn after you master this simple meditation routine.  And I promise, even if you can only manage to do this for two minutes every day, it will begin to provide you with a center.  A place from which you can respond to life's ups and downs.  You will begin to feel separate from the chaos, disorganization, and stress that surrounds you.  You will discover that you can find the calm within the storm in yourself in any moment. 

Try it this week....and let me know how it goes for you.

May you awaken to your best self.

Happy Turkey Day

Since I generally post my blog updates on Thursdays, it feels impossible to tackle any topic other than Thanksgiving.  So that's what I'll do.

Today I am thankful for family far and near.  For the easy, stable relationships that consistently fill me with joy and comfort.  And for the more troublesome, difficult ones that force me to come out of my comfort zone and really push my limits.  I learn a tremendous amount about myself through both.

I am thankful for friends.  For those with whom I've recently begun a piece of the journey.  For those whose paths have strayed from mine (or mine from theirs). And for those who have been there through it all.  I may not understand the character rotation, but I know it benefits me greatly.

I am thankful for this past year.  For the losses great and small that scarred my heart.  For the unfulfilled longings and hopes that continue to spur me on.  For the joyful days and the moments of pure bliss.  I honor the trials and tribulations right alongside the triumphs.  For both the good and the bad continue to build my character and strengthen my resolve to keep moving forward.

I am thankful for the work I do.  For the clients who bring me their burdens day in and day out with trust that I will help them on this journey.  For those who struggle to keep getting up, day after day, no matter what life throws at them.  And for those who yearn to understand more and more life lessons as they continue on their path.  For they all bring me something in return for our shared time together, and I grow a little every single day through their stories.

I am thankful for this day that both forces and allows us to look at all of the things in our lives for which we can be grateful.  There is nothing more uplifting than looking around to see all of the beauty in our lives.  Even in the pain there is a nugget of grace that allows us to keep moving forward, and for that I am eternally thankful.  The human spirit never gives in.  It moves us forward on our journey seeking greater understanding, stronger relationships, and compassion in our daily lives. 

May you awaken to your best self.

Things I'd tell my younger self......

I work with a lot of adolescents transitioning into adulthood.  I particularly enjoy working with young women on the cusp of going out into the world on their own.  I spend a lot of time telling them things that I wish someone had been willing or able to share with me at that age - understanding, of course, that I probably wouldn't have listened.  Perhaps these lessons gain their strength from the years of not knowing them, but I’d like to think that by sharing some of those hard-earned lessons maybe someone will get on their true path sooner than I did.

1.       Trust people, but think for yourself.

2.     Have a 3-, 5-, and 10-year plan, but be flexible and recalculate frequently.  Know where you want to be and what it might take to get there.  Don't just say it...imagine it, breath it in and know how you could get there.

3.       Save some money, even just $5 or $10 every pay. Just get in the habit of saving for yourself.

4.       Don’t be embarrassed to be smart.

5.       Don’t bother with people who aren’t bothering with themselves.

6.       Never be afraid to go somewhere new, but always have a way home.

7.       Surround yourself with interesting people – people who confuse you, people who challenge you, people who make you laugh, and people who intrigue you.

8.       Never underestimate the value of hard work, and never confuse the pay for the value.

9.       Don’t take everything that’s said to you as being about you; it isn’t.

10.   When being given advice, consider it as a plate of food – take the meat but leave the bones.

11.   Don’t fear your alone time; embrace it and make it internally productive.

12.   Don’t hold on to things just because they’re familiar or comfortable - this applies to t-shirts, furniture, boyfriends, living spaces, and beliefs.

13.   Surround yourself with people who disagree with you; they’ll help you truly develop a belief system.

14.   What you want isn’t always what you need, and what you need isn’t always pleasant.

15.  Understand that you can learn something new about yourself every single day.  Don't go to sleep without figuring out what you've learned.

Hello Autumn, I'm so surprised to see you again....

Change is in the air.  It's autumn, so where I live that means changing leaves, animals scurrying around readying themselves for winter, and up and down temperatures from day to day (sometimes minute to minute!).  I always feel that coming into fall feels like running full speed into a room where everyone is sitting around quietly reading.  It's a very disconcerting feeling.  I adjust to it over the months and right around the first snow I'm feeling comfortable with fall.  I wonder if that feeling has to do with my innate resistance to change.  The same resistance with which most of us struggle from time to time.

I would venture to guess that every single one of my clients has at some point or another come into my office and said "I hate change."  Some start out with that as their identified problem, and others get there more gradually.  Some are talking about minor changes or general themes, while others are trying to deal with major life events such as loss of a relative or friend, serious illness, financial loss, or job changes.  It almost doesn't matter what type of change is happening, we tend to deal with it pretty much the same. 

Change comes on like a wave....it feels as if it is crashing down on us...the change occurs, then everything seems different, we're often unsteady for a bit, then we start looking around to see what happened.  Initially, we may try to ignore the change, to keep on behaving as we did prior to the event occurring.  Then we often start actively fighting the change, often becoming angry at the change. We question the purpose of the change, or the need for the change, or the "rightness" of the change.  Anger gives way to fear and confusion.  We may lose confidence in our ability to accept or deal with the change effectively and begin to believe that we will not be able to function within the new world created by the change. Then we begin to feel sad, maybe even depressed.  Finally we hit the bottom - the crisis moment.  This is the critical juncture, because from this point we either give up completely and stay in denial about and in resistance to the change, or we transform in response to the change.  This doesn't occur quickly.  We're talking easily 6 to 12 months for life-altering changes like death of a loved one, divorce, moving, job change, etc.  It's a gradual, sometimes even painful process, but the rewards are well worth the investment of time, energy, and emotion. 

One of the most important aspects of this process is that we have full control over our reaction to the event.  Did you ever notice that we don't generally get worked up over change we've put in place ourselves? (At least not initially.) That's because we apply different meaning to the change and different thought processes to incorporating it into our lives.  When the initial change event happens we have the opportunity to veiw it from two divergent perspectives.  We can see change as something to be excited about (with appropriate anticipatory anxiety) or we can see it as something to fear.  We may even fall smack dab in the middle at numbness and not have a positive or negative emotional response.  By choosing excitement we create a willingness to accept the change and move forward into incorporating the change effectively into our lives.  If we choose to be fearful we will probably move towards denying or fighting the change which can lead to serious disharmony in our world. 

Regardless of the initial choice whether to welcome or fend off change, we may begin to feel uncertainty about the change at some point.  We may also feel an inability to deal with the change or overwhelmed with the change.  This is the transformational point where the big decision exists:  do we let go of old ideas of how this should be and accept the new way, or do we hold on to old belief systems which may keep us stuck.

If we choose the second option to hold on to our old beliefs about what should or shouldn't be happening, we will continue to feel negatively about the change.  We will also feel very much at the mercy of outside forces exerting change on our lives.  But if we choose the first option, to let go of our old way of thinking and accept the new reality, we will begin to transform.  We approach the new normal with a feeling of power as we recognize our inability to be victimized by circumstance.  If we let go of our old way of thinking we will open the door to accepting what is.  It is only at this point of acceptance that we can actually deal with the situation effectively.  We begin to really look at it in all its aspects and in this way we gain perspective that allows us to be a part of the change rather than feeling as if something is happening to us.  We cannot fight reality.  We can, however, choose whether or not to be positive about it.  We can choose to see it for what it is and make the best of it. 

Change in our life is much like the seasons of the year.  Nature ushers in change at it's own pace in a cyclical pattern.....from the emergence of life in the spring, through the warmth and growth of the summer, into the harvest and preparation of fall, into the sleep of winter. This process is purposeful and necessary. The leaves must fall so that new leaves can grow. The animals must gather food to ready for the cold winter. It is this regeneration cycle that allows for nature to flourish. Without fall there would be no spring.  The same happens in our lives, in big and small ways.  We must be attentive to and accepting of change in order to usher in new emotional growth in our lives. 

Patience

So I tried to time everything right…lunch at noon, laundry, feed fish, turn off lawn sprinkler, be at the post office at 1:00 when the lobby window opens.  Only the lobby window opens at 1:15.  Now what?!  No sense going back home – the dog will get all riled up.  I live in a town the size of a peapod so there’s not really anything close by to eat up time.  No sense going to the office – I’d have to come right back.  And as I complain about this to my friend, her text reply stops me cold in my frenzy to fill the time…”Write a blog entry about being patient.”  Good one.

How often do we run though our crazy days just wishing we had 15 minutes to do nothing?  I practically beg for it daily, but when my prayers are answered….I freak out.  I have no idea what to do with free time.  No idea.  So I spin in circles when I’m thwarted from rushing on to the next thing, and the next thing, and… yeah, you get it.  Life has too few of these moments lately.  So here’s how I’m spending my 15 minutes (now only seven left!).

I start by rolling down my car window a bit.  I’m always inside – inside the house, inside the office, inside my car between house and office – so the cool breeze is very fresh and calming.  I can hear it moving through the tree leaves and whipping up into a windy frenzy only to subside and fade away.  I can hear a dog barking – nonstop.  Poor little guy.  His people must be at work and he’s not good with alone time.  I see all of the locals in my small town doing their daily things.  Kids coming home from school (1:15?  Who knew!), volunteer fire department people washing the fire truck, elderly folks wandering about….slowly.  Patiently.  Truth be told, the post office lady arrived five minutes ago – but I’m still enjoying patiently sitting outside, listening, watching, and feeling life at a slower pace.

I didn't really know what I could write about patience, since I'm about the least patient person ever.  Yet, as it always does, the universe gave me the connection....from mindfulness to patience.  By becoming mindful of my environment, by stopping my mad rush and taking in the world around me in a non-judgmental and curious way......I found patience.

So here’s my suggestion to you…next time you unexpectedly have 15 minutes to kill, be mindful.  Listen to the sounds, look around at what you might be missing in your daily rush, and relax.  Breathe a little.  Take the extra time the universe has handed you and reconnect with yourself.  You may find yourself discovering a little patience too.

may you awaken to your best self

Tips for Parenting Your Teen (and maybe your toddler too!)

Have you ever thought about what your role as a parent is?  Have you considered how you can best prepare your child for adulthood through daily interactions in adolescence?  Do you often feel as if you’re putting out fires left and right, arguing every moment with your teen, and never really enjoying time with them? Beginning to consistently apply some of the tips below when appropriate may allow you to breathe a little and enjoy watching your child’s journey to adulthood.  

Never force your child to lie.  If you know they have/haven’t done something, don’t ask if they’ve done it.  Almost every teen will fail that test.

For example:   You discover that your child went to a party without permission.  Don’t ask “Did you go to a party this weekend?” Instead sit down with your child and say “I’m aware that you went to a party this weekend, and you were not given permission to go.  I want to be able to trust that you’ll be where you tell me you are so that I can give you more freedom and responsibility.”  This opens up a conversation about how your child can earn increased freedoms by consistently showing responsibility.

Get in the habit of requiring at least 24 hours to make a decision on pretty much anything (unless it truly is an emergent situation). 

This is a parenting technique that can be developed early on.  When your child asks if they can go somewhere begin by saying “Let me think about that for (insert a decent amount of time to really think about the pros and cons).”  If you start this early, your children will know that they need to plan ahead and schedule events through you.  This keeps you from being in the position of feeling like you’re running from one thing to another and never getting your tasks finished.

When being pressured for an answer always say, “If you need an answer right now, the answer is no.”  They’ll suddenly develop patience.

This puts the responsibility on them to ask in advance (see technique 2 above) and to give you the space you need to make a well thought out decision.

Have conversations with your child on a regular basis, but in short bursts. 

Don’t expect them to be able to take in an hour long dissertation on why they shouldn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, have sex, or anything else you’re worrying about.  Talk to them when the moment presents itself – during television shows, when they bring up situations at school, when older siblings are dealing with things.  These should be ongoing conversations that start long before adolescence and continue into adulthood. 

Try not to tell your child what you think, but rather make it a goal to discover what they’re thinking. 

Teens can think in the abstract, while younger children cannot.  Use this to your advantage.  Allow them to develop the ability to think through possibilities on their own rather than just expecting them to listen to what you want them to believe.  If you truly start to listen, you will generally start to hear all of the foundational information you've given to them and how they're learning to apply it to every day situations. 

Cool down. Be in control of yourself before you address issues with your child.

When you discover something that needs to be addressed make sure your child is in a safe place, but don’t begin the conversation about rules or consequences while you’re still in the initial angry emotional space.  They won’t hear you, and you won’t say what you really want and need to say.  Discipline is not about releasing or relieving your anger, it’s about teaching your child the lessons they need to lead safe, productive, and successful lives.

If your child has broken rules, pick one point to discuss at a time.

For example:  Consider the party example above, but let’s add to the story….. Your child told you they were sleeping at a close friend’s house, snuck out of that house, got into a car with an inexperienced driver, went to the party, drank alcohol at the party, and returned to the original friend’s house only to be caught by the friend’s parents.  That is a lot of ground to cover in one conversation.  Begin with the over-arching issue of trust, responsibility, and freedom.  Tell your child you’d like to discuss multiple aspects of the situation and pick one to start with.  Don’t spend hours talking about the multiple issues.  Pick one, make your point, listen to their response, and leave them to think about the discussion.  This is how a conscience continues to develop. 

Choose battles – don’t fight over everything.  This goes without saying – your teen has way more energy than you do for battles….if you try to argue everything, you’ll wear yourself out.

The most important task of adolescence is development of a stable identity.  Your child is trying to figure out who he or she is, and they begin that process by arguing with you about who you are.  They define themselves against what they know about you.  If you provide a safe environment in which they can do this and if you do not offer too many opportunities for them to argue inconsequential things – they will begin to form their own values and perspectives.  Prior to this you have been modeling behavior and telling them what your beliefs and values are – they won’t forget those lessons, but they may not be willing to let you know that they’ve learned them.  If you set the battleground around things like cleaning their room, getting perfect grades, following all directions – you will miss the opportunity for your child to develop their own set of beliefs and values.  They will waste all of their energy on fighting you rather than on developing their identity.

Give them some sense of control. Let them know they’re behavior dictates consequences.  This means giving them choices in situations where choices are appropriate.  It also means informing them about consequences of certain behaviors before they are in trouble for breaking rules, and alerting them to the fact that their choices will determine the consequences – positive or negative. 

For example:     Consider again our party example above…prior to the entire situation a conversation can be had about many of the problematic aspects involved:  lying, drinking alcohol, riding with inexperienced drivers, etc.  You can inform your child (multiple times, in multiple conversations) that if they lie (drink alcohol, ride with inexperienced drivers, etc.) you will have to enforce the consequence (whatever you’ve deemed appropriate).  Focus on the choices available to them – to lie or not to lie, to drink alcohol versus non-alcoholic drinks, etc.

Don’t take your child’s behavior or responses personally.

At the end of the day, remind yourself you’re doing the best job you can.  Whether this is your first child or seventh, you’ve never parented this child before at this age.  It’s a learning process for both of you.  Your child may lash out or act out in your presence because it’s a safe place to do so.  They probably aren’t meaning to make you feel as if you’re the most hated individual on the face of the earth.  Part of being a parent is being strong enough to withstand a few “I hate you”s  and a couple “You’re ruining my life!”s. Your child is preparing for adulthood and your job is to get him or her there – healthy, safe, and ready to become the best person they can be.  

may you awaken to your best self

Feeling Stuck

When we’re feeling stuck in our life or when we’re feeling as things just aren’t going our way, we tend to look outward to try to determine the cause of our discomfort.  This makes sense.  It’s how we’ve been taught to see the world.  We look out at it.  We apply meaning to what we see.  We react.  But what if this external focus is actually the cause of our feeling of being stuck?  What if we could add steps along the way to begin to look inward? 

It’s really just about changing perspective from the external to the internal, adding thought to the process, and responding rather than reacting to situations.  If we rely too much on external cues and perception, we begin to feel stuck.  We aren’t truly following our own path, but rather an external idea of what our path should be.  See why we get stuck?  We lose sight of our internal compass and lose confidence in (or awareness of) our own ability to make change happen.  By realizing when we’re stuck, pulling back from the initial impulse to blame others, and looking inward for answers we begin to move forward.

First Step – Figuring out when we’re stuck

None of this works if we can’t first figure out when we’re feeling stuck.  For each of us the feeling is different.  It may be that you become grouchy, irritable, and snap at others.  You may feel sad, lonely, or start isolating from others.  I always feel a “humming.” Just a general uneasiness that translates into my body feeling like it’s humming.  The best way to be aware of when you’re stuck is to know how you feel the rest of the time.  Pay attention to your moods day to day. Learn yourself all over again.  Check in now and then throughout the day to determine how you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If you make this a constant habit, you’ll be aware when changes occur.  You will learn to be attuned to your general state and when it begins to dip or ebb, you will notice.

Second Step – Refrain from blaming those around you

Sometimes you’ll get to this step before the first step  – or finding yourself at this step can let you know you’ve passed the first step.  Again, when we’re monitoring physical feelings, thoughts, and emotions throughout our days, we’ll notice when we begin to fall into the blaming others trap.  This is when you find yourself blaming your mood on someone else – “He made me so mad!”  - or when you are looking for someone to blame.  Now it’s time to redirect your energy inward.  Our feelings are not controlled by others.  Although we may have initial reactions to the behavior of others, we have the power and the ability to slow reactions down to a well thought out response.  We react to the behavior of others around us with various emotional responses (negative and positive), depending on our current mood, our thought process, previous interactions, and any number of other factors. It is a pattern of relying on the external blame game that causes us to feel stuck. The longer we choose to blame these reactions on others, the longer it will take to become unstuck.  Focusing our energy on them and their behavior does not promote becoming unstuck.  I recently caught myself being angry with a family member for an offhand comment made about me.  After spending minutes (ok, maybe hours) ranting and thinking about what that person had ‘done to me’, I realized I had just wasted a lot of time.  The comment was only a comment.  Yes, it naturally caused an emotional reaction.  But, I had the opportunity to reframe my reaction into a well thought out response.  This was where my control and power existed in the situation. My ranting and raving at this person’s comment produced nothing positive.  It was keeping me stuck.

Third Step – Look inward

Now that you have recognized your reaction, it is necessary to examine the root of the reaction.  Find some quiet time and space to start looking inside to determine what’s really causing the reaction.  Ask yourself what the emotion you’re feeling is trying to tell you.  What could you be missing by focusing blame on the other person?  What’s the real message deep inside that you’re avoiding by pointing the finger outward instead of focusing your awareness inward?  This is a time for examination with kindness towards yourself and not for self-blame or accusation.  When we genuinely sit down with curiosity about why we’re reacting to someone or something, the answer may not take long to emerge.  It helps to be open to what we are feeling without judgment – even if the feelings are uncomfortable.  When I thought about my reaction and accompanying feelings which were supposedly caused by a family member, I realized that those feelings were masking my own feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.  I just hadn’t been ready to face these uncomfortable feelings yet.

Step 4 – Practice Responding, rather than reacting

A reaction is instantaneous – knee-jerk, reflexive – and it often escalates conflict rather than resolving it.  At the very least it serves to defer inner growth and awareness.  A response is thought out and helps to solve problems while reducing conflict. In this context, by following the steps listed above, a response allows for personal growth to occur in times of discomfort.  When we’ve gone inward to determine our own voice in the situation, we generally come back with a response rather than a reaction.  With practice, we can set aside the reactive feelings that aren’t appropriate to the situation and really listen to what’s going on around us in a way that builds communication and begins to move the situation forward. What I realized in my family disagreement was that I needed to work on my own negative feelings towards myself and not react to every offhanded comment.  Understanding my previous reaction could also help me choose an appropriate response – a response that was not simply based on an emotional reaction.       

When we follow these steps we find it possible to begin solving problems and moving forward while reducing feelings of being stuck.  By shifting responsibility for our feelings to ourselves, we also let go of the need to deal with the feelings of others.  We clear the stage for honest communication that lacks blame and negativity.  This is a way to move forward and find our way on our own path.         

May you awaken to your best self

Welcome to Talk Therapy

In general, when I’m doing something new, I feel a need to provide context for myself. I like to have a couple of things written down to remind myself what my goals are in doing the new thing.  I also like to be able to let others know why they should even care about my new thing.  So…..this blog is my new thing.  Time for some context….
 

Often in session with clients I come across great ideas.  They develop within session, but expand beyond our work in the room.  I then find myself revisiting these ideas with other clients.  It doesn’t take long before a theme emerges and I see that multiple clients across various demographics are struggling with and resolving the same issues.  I’d like to be able to share some of those ideas that emerge within sessions with people completely outside of my in-person practice. 

If you noticed, I said that I often “come across great ideas” rather than saying that I have great ideas.  Sometimes the ideas are fully mine, but many times they develop between me and a client as we process events in and perceptions of their life.  I would venture to guess that if I share these same developing ideas with as many people as possible, we’ll start a conversation that will evolve into even richer ideas and concepts.  I like the idea of continuing the conversations that begin in my office.  I think the diversity of opinions and experiences makes for a richer discussion of the topic.  I encourage you to comment and continue the conversations I will begin each week.

Additionally it helps me to be able to sit with myself to formulate ideas to share with clients.  I am constantly reading various sources and bringing together various concepts in order to create meaningful dialogue in session.  Blogging on a weekly basis will give me the opportunity to develop integrated thoughts on topics that span the field of psychology. I feel that everyone has something to add, and a blog might be just the way to encourage substantial meaningful conversation on various topics of interest.  All the while expanding my understanding and allowing for greater breadth of experience.

This blog will also allow potential clients to hear my voice, as it were, on their screen.  One of the most effective predictors of successful mental health counseling is the perceived fit between counselor and client.  Many people try counseling once and don’t feel connected to the counselor so they never come back.  I want people to be comfortable with me, my personality and way of interacting, even before they walk through the front door at Bodhi.  I want them to feel like there is a level of familiarity prior to opening themselves up in counseling.  I hope that by discussing a variety of topics while being true to my own voice and perspective, I will offer up a non-threatening and relatively easy way to begin the therapeutic process. 

In addition, once someone has “signed on” to work with me in therapy, there is a lot to be done between sessions.  Having a place that pulls all of that potential work together allows for continued therapeutic work between sessions.  I like the idea of therapy stretching out from my office into the world at large. 

My goal is to provide a lot of good information and resources on a variety of topics that seem to come up regularly in sessions.  The areas in which I plan to write include the following:

• Parenting tips and techniques
• Whole Person Wellness
• Addiction and its effect on families
•  General Psychology
• Women’s Issues
• Dealing with Stress, Anxiety, and Depression
• ADHD and other Executive Function disorders

My hope is to explore these topics in a different way than they are often presented providing for a different perspective.  I want to provide information and support that allows for greater understanding of how much power and control you actually have in your own life, regardless of the circumstances in which you find yourself.  I want to begin conversations on these topics and others in a way that allows for compassion and growth. 

I hope this is a good start, and I hope you choose to keep reading.  Expect to see something new at least once a week, and feel free to comment or continue the discussion whenever the mood strikes you.


 

May you awaken to your best self.