Feeling Stuck

When we’re feeling stuck in our life or when we’re feeling as things just aren’t going our way, we tend to look outward to try to determine the cause of our discomfort.  This makes sense.  It’s how we’ve been taught to see the world.  We look out at it.  We apply meaning to what we see.  We react.  But what if this external focus is actually the cause of our feeling of being stuck?  What if we could add steps along the way to begin to look inward? 

It’s really just about changing perspective from the external to the internal, adding thought to the process, and responding rather than reacting to situations.  If we rely too much on external cues and perception, we begin to feel stuck.  We aren’t truly following our own path, but rather an external idea of what our path should be.  See why we get stuck?  We lose sight of our internal compass and lose confidence in (or awareness of) our own ability to make change happen.  By realizing when we’re stuck, pulling back from the initial impulse to blame others, and looking inward for answers we begin to move forward.

First Step – Figuring out when we’re stuck

None of this works if we can’t first figure out when we’re feeling stuck.  For each of us the feeling is different.  It may be that you become grouchy, irritable, and snap at others.  You may feel sad, lonely, or start isolating from others.  I always feel a “humming.” Just a general uneasiness that translates into my body feeling like it’s humming.  The best way to be aware of when you’re stuck is to know how you feel the rest of the time.  Pay attention to your moods day to day. Learn yourself all over again.  Check in now and then throughout the day to determine how you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If you make this a constant habit, you’ll be aware when changes occur.  You will learn to be attuned to your general state and when it begins to dip or ebb, you will notice.

Second Step – Refrain from blaming those around you

Sometimes you’ll get to this step before the first step  – or finding yourself at this step can let you know you’ve passed the first step.  Again, when we’re monitoring physical feelings, thoughts, and emotions throughout our days, we’ll notice when we begin to fall into the blaming others trap.  This is when you find yourself blaming your mood on someone else – “He made me so mad!”  - or when you are looking for someone to blame.  Now it’s time to redirect your energy inward.  Our feelings are not controlled by others.  Although we may have initial reactions to the behavior of others, we have the power and the ability to slow reactions down to a well thought out response.  We react to the behavior of others around us with various emotional responses (negative and positive), depending on our current mood, our thought process, previous interactions, and any number of other factors. It is a pattern of relying on the external blame game that causes us to feel stuck. The longer we choose to blame these reactions on others, the longer it will take to become unstuck.  Focusing our energy on them and their behavior does not promote becoming unstuck.  I recently caught myself being angry with a family member for an offhand comment made about me.  After spending minutes (ok, maybe hours) ranting and thinking about what that person had ‘done to me’, I realized I had just wasted a lot of time.  The comment was only a comment.  Yes, it naturally caused an emotional reaction.  But, I had the opportunity to reframe my reaction into a well thought out response.  This was where my control and power existed in the situation. My ranting and raving at this person’s comment produced nothing positive.  It was keeping me stuck.

Third Step – Look inward

Now that you have recognized your reaction, it is necessary to examine the root of the reaction.  Find some quiet time and space to start looking inside to determine what’s really causing the reaction.  Ask yourself what the emotion you’re feeling is trying to tell you.  What could you be missing by focusing blame on the other person?  What’s the real message deep inside that you’re avoiding by pointing the finger outward instead of focusing your awareness inward?  This is a time for examination with kindness towards yourself and not for self-blame or accusation.  When we genuinely sit down with curiosity about why we’re reacting to someone or something, the answer may not take long to emerge.  It helps to be open to what we are feeling without judgment – even if the feelings are uncomfortable.  When I thought about my reaction and accompanying feelings which were supposedly caused by a family member, I realized that those feelings were masking my own feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.  I just hadn’t been ready to face these uncomfortable feelings yet.

Step 4 – Practice Responding, rather than reacting

A reaction is instantaneous – knee-jerk, reflexive – and it often escalates conflict rather than resolving it.  At the very least it serves to defer inner growth and awareness.  A response is thought out and helps to solve problems while reducing conflict. In this context, by following the steps listed above, a response allows for personal growth to occur in times of discomfort.  When we’ve gone inward to determine our own voice in the situation, we generally come back with a response rather than a reaction.  With practice, we can set aside the reactive feelings that aren’t appropriate to the situation and really listen to what’s going on around us in a way that builds communication and begins to move the situation forward. What I realized in my family disagreement was that I needed to work on my own negative feelings towards myself and not react to every offhanded comment.  Understanding my previous reaction could also help me choose an appropriate response – a response that was not simply based on an emotional reaction.       

When we follow these steps we find it possible to begin solving problems and moving forward while reducing feelings of being stuck.  By shifting responsibility for our feelings to ourselves, we also let go of the need to deal with the feelings of others.  We clear the stage for honest communication that lacks blame and negativity.  This is a way to move forward and find our way on our own path.         

May you awaken to your best self