Tips for Parenting Your Teen (and maybe your toddler too!)

Have you ever thought about what your role as a parent is?  Have you considered how you can best prepare your child for adulthood through daily interactions in adolescence?  Do you often feel as if you’re putting out fires left and right, arguing every moment with your teen, and never really enjoying time with them? Beginning to consistently apply some of the tips below when appropriate may allow you to breathe a little and enjoy watching your child’s journey to adulthood.  

Never force your child to lie.  If you know they have/haven’t done something, don’t ask if they’ve done it.  Almost every teen will fail that test.

For example:   You discover that your child went to a party without permission.  Don’t ask “Did you go to a party this weekend?” Instead sit down with your child and say “I’m aware that you went to a party this weekend, and you were not given permission to go.  I want to be able to trust that you’ll be where you tell me you are so that I can give you more freedom and responsibility.”  This opens up a conversation about how your child can earn increased freedoms by consistently showing responsibility.

Get in the habit of requiring at least 24 hours to make a decision on pretty much anything (unless it truly is an emergent situation). 

This is a parenting technique that can be developed early on.  When your child asks if they can go somewhere begin by saying “Let me think about that for (insert a decent amount of time to really think about the pros and cons).”  If you start this early, your children will know that they need to plan ahead and schedule events through you.  This keeps you from being in the position of feeling like you’re running from one thing to another and never getting your tasks finished.

When being pressured for an answer always say, “If you need an answer right now, the answer is no.”  They’ll suddenly develop patience.

This puts the responsibility on them to ask in advance (see technique 2 above) and to give you the space you need to make a well thought out decision.

Have conversations with your child on a regular basis, but in short bursts. 

Don’t expect them to be able to take in an hour long dissertation on why they shouldn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, have sex, or anything else you’re worrying about.  Talk to them when the moment presents itself – during television shows, when they bring up situations at school, when older siblings are dealing with things.  These should be ongoing conversations that start long before adolescence and continue into adulthood. 

Try not to tell your child what you think, but rather make it a goal to discover what they’re thinking. 

Teens can think in the abstract, while younger children cannot.  Use this to your advantage.  Allow them to develop the ability to think through possibilities on their own rather than just expecting them to listen to what you want them to believe.  If you truly start to listen, you will generally start to hear all of the foundational information you've given to them and how they're learning to apply it to every day situations. 

Cool down. Be in control of yourself before you address issues with your child.

When you discover something that needs to be addressed make sure your child is in a safe place, but don’t begin the conversation about rules or consequences while you’re still in the initial angry emotional space.  They won’t hear you, and you won’t say what you really want and need to say.  Discipline is not about releasing or relieving your anger, it’s about teaching your child the lessons they need to lead safe, productive, and successful lives.

If your child has broken rules, pick one point to discuss at a time.

For example:  Consider the party example above, but let’s add to the story….. Your child told you they were sleeping at a close friend’s house, snuck out of that house, got into a car with an inexperienced driver, went to the party, drank alcohol at the party, and returned to the original friend’s house only to be caught by the friend’s parents.  That is a lot of ground to cover in one conversation.  Begin with the over-arching issue of trust, responsibility, and freedom.  Tell your child you’d like to discuss multiple aspects of the situation and pick one to start with.  Don’t spend hours talking about the multiple issues.  Pick one, make your point, listen to their response, and leave them to think about the discussion.  This is how a conscience continues to develop. 

Choose battles – don’t fight over everything.  This goes without saying – your teen has way more energy than you do for battles….if you try to argue everything, you’ll wear yourself out.

The most important task of adolescence is development of a stable identity.  Your child is trying to figure out who he or she is, and they begin that process by arguing with you about who you are.  They define themselves against what they know about you.  If you provide a safe environment in which they can do this and if you do not offer too many opportunities for them to argue inconsequential things – they will begin to form their own values and perspectives.  Prior to this you have been modeling behavior and telling them what your beliefs and values are – they won’t forget those lessons, but they may not be willing to let you know that they’ve learned them.  If you set the battleground around things like cleaning their room, getting perfect grades, following all directions – you will miss the opportunity for your child to develop their own set of beliefs and values.  They will waste all of their energy on fighting you rather than on developing their identity.

Give them some sense of control. Let them know they’re behavior dictates consequences.  This means giving them choices in situations where choices are appropriate.  It also means informing them about consequences of certain behaviors before they are in trouble for breaking rules, and alerting them to the fact that their choices will determine the consequences – positive or negative. 

For example:     Consider again our party example above…prior to the entire situation a conversation can be had about many of the problematic aspects involved:  lying, drinking alcohol, riding with inexperienced drivers, etc.  You can inform your child (multiple times, in multiple conversations) that if they lie (drink alcohol, ride with inexperienced drivers, etc.) you will have to enforce the consequence (whatever you’ve deemed appropriate).  Focus on the choices available to them – to lie or not to lie, to drink alcohol versus non-alcoholic drinks, etc.

Don’t take your child’s behavior or responses personally.

At the end of the day, remind yourself you’re doing the best job you can.  Whether this is your first child or seventh, you’ve never parented this child before at this age.  It’s a learning process for both of you.  Your child may lash out or act out in your presence because it’s a safe place to do so.  They probably aren’t meaning to make you feel as if you’re the most hated individual on the face of the earth.  Part of being a parent is being strong enough to withstand a few “I hate you”s  and a couple “You’re ruining my life!”s. Your child is preparing for adulthood and your job is to get him or her there – healthy, safe, and ready to become the best person they can be.  

may you awaken to your best self