Tips for Parenting Your Teen (and maybe your toddler too!)

Have you ever thought about what your role as a parent is?  Have you considered how you can best prepare your child for adulthood through daily interactions in adolescence?  Do you often feel as if you’re putting out fires left and right, arguing every moment with your teen, and never really enjoying time with them? Beginning to consistently apply some of the tips below when appropriate may allow you to breathe a little and enjoy watching your child’s journey to adulthood.  

Never force your child to lie.  If you know they have/haven’t done something, don’t ask if they’ve done it.  Almost every teen will fail that test.

For example:   You discover that your child went to a party without permission.  Don’t ask “Did you go to a party this weekend?” Instead sit down with your child and say “I’m aware that you went to a party this weekend, and you were not given permission to go.  I want to be able to trust that you’ll be where you tell me you are so that I can give you more freedom and responsibility.”  This opens up a conversation about how your child can earn increased freedoms by consistently showing responsibility.

Get in the habit of requiring at least 24 hours to make a decision on pretty much anything (unless it truly is an emergent situation). 

This is a parenting technique that can be developed early on.  When your child asks if they can go somewhere begin by saying “Let me think about that for (insert a decent amount of time to really think about the pros and cons).”  If you start this early, your children will know that they need to plan ahead and schedule events through you.  This keeps you from being in the position of feeling like you’re running from one thing to another and never getting your tasks finished.

When being pressured for an answer always say, “If you need an answer right now, the answer is no.”  They’ll suddenly develop patience.

This puts the responsibility on them to ask in advance (see technique 2 above) and to give you the space you need to make a well thought out decision.

Have conversations with your child on a regular basis, but in short bursts. 

Don’t expect them to be able to take in an hour long dissertation on why they shouldn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, have sex, or anything else you’re worrying about.  Talk to them when the moment presents itself – during television shows, when they bring up situations at school, when older siblings are dealing with things.  These should be ongoing conversations that start long before adolescence and continue into adulthood. 

Try not to tell your child what you think, but rather make it a goal to discover what they’re thinking. 

Teens can think in the abstract, while younger children cannot.  Use this to your advantage.  Allow them to develop the ability to think through possibilities on their own rather than just expecting them to listen to what you want them to believe.  If you truly start to listen, you will generally start to hear all of the foundational information you've given to them and how they're learning to apply it to every day situations. 

Cool down. Be in control of yourself before you address issues with your child.

When you discover something that needs to be addressed make sure your child is in a safe place, but don’t begin the conversation about rules or consequences while you’re still in the initial angry emotional space.  They won’t hear you, and you won’t say what you really want and need to say.  Discipline is not about releasing or relieving your anger, it’s about teaching your child the lessons they need to lead safe, productive, and successful lives.

If your child has broken rules, pick one point to discuss at a time.

For example:  Consider the party example above, but let’s add to the story….. Your child told you they were sleeping at a close friend’s house, snuck out of that house, got into a car with an inexperienced driver, went to the party, drank alcohol at the party, and returned to the original friend’s house only to be caught by the friend’s parents.  That is a lot of ground to cover in one conversation.  Begin with the over-arching issue of trust, responsibility, and freedom.  Tell your child you’d like to discuss multiple aspects of the situation and pick one to start with.  Don’t spend hours talking about the multiple issues.  Pick one, make your point, listen to their response, and leave them to think about the discussion.  This is how a conscience continues to develop. 

Choose battles – don’t fight over everything.  This goes without saying – your teen has way more energy than you do for battles….if you try to argue everything, you’ll wear yourself out.

The most important task of adolescence is development of a stable identity.  Your child is trying to figure out who he or she is, and they begin that process by arguing with you about who you are.  They define themselves against what they know about you.  If you provide a safe environment in which they can do this and if you do not offer too many opportunities for them to argue inconsequential things – they will begin to form their own values and perspectives.  Prior to this you have been modeling behavior and telling them what your beliefs and values are – they won’t forget those lessons, but they may not be willing to let you know that they’ve learned them.  If you set the battleground around things like cleaning their room, getting perfect grades, following all directions – you will miss the opportunity for your child to develop their own set of beliefs and values.  They will waste all of their energy on fighting you rather than on developing their identity.

Give them some sense of control. Let them know they’re behavior dictates consequences.  This means giving them choices in situations where choices are appropriate.  It also means informing them about consequences of certain behaviors before they are in trouble for breaking rules, and alerting them to the fact that their choices will determine the consequences – positive or negative. 

For example:     Consider again our party example above…prior to the entire situation a conversation can be had about many of the problematic aspects involved:  lying, drinking alcohol, riding with inexperienced drivers, etc.  You can inform your child (multiple times, in multiple conversations) that if they lie (drink alcohol, ride with inexperienced drivers, etc.) you will have to enforce the consequence (whatever you’ve deemed appropriate).  Focus on the choices available to them – to lie or not to lie, to drink alcohol versus non-alcoholic drinks, etc.

Don’t take your child’s behavior or responses personally.

At the end of the day, remind yourself you’re doing the best job you can.  Whether this is your first child or seventh, you’ve never parented this child before at this age.  It’s a learning process for both of you.  Your child may lash out or act out in your presence because it’s a safe place to do so.  They probably aren’t meaning to make you feel as if you’re the most hated individual on the face of the earth.  Part of being a parent is being strong enough to withstand a few “I hate you”s  and a couple “You’re ruining my life!”s. Your child is preparing for adulthood and your job is to get him or her there – healthy, safe, and ready to become the best person they can be.  

may you awaken to your best self

Feeling Stuck

When we’re feeling stuck in our life or when we’re feeling as things just aren’t going our way, we tend to look outward to try to determine the cause of our discomfort.  This makes sense.  It’s how we’ve been taught to see the world.  We look out at it.  We apply meaning to what we see.  We react.  But what if this external focus is actually the cause of our feeling of being stuck?  What if we could add steps along the way to begin to look inward? 

It’s really just about changing perspective from the external to the internal, adding thought to the process, and responding rather than reacting to situations.  If we rely too much on external cues and perception, we begin to feel stuck.  We aren’t truly following our own path, but rather an external idea of what our path should be.  See why we get stuck?  We lose sight of our internal compass and lose confidence in (or awareness of) our own ability to make change happen.  By realizing when we’re stuck, pulling back from the initial impulse to blame others, and looking inward for answers we begin to move forward.

First Step – Figuring out when we’re stuck

None of this works if we can’t first figure out when we’re feeling stuck.  For each of us the feeling is different.  It may be that you become grouchy, irritable, and snap at others.  You may feel sad, lonely, or start isolating from others.  I always feel a “humming.” Just a general uneasiness that translates into my body feeling like it’s humming.  The best way to be aware of when you’re stuck is to know how you feel the rest of the time.  Pay attention to your moods day to day. Learn yourself all over again.  Check in now and then throughout the day to determine how you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If you make this a constant habit, you’ll be aware when changes occur.  You will learn to be attuned to your general state and when it begins to dip or ebb, you will notice.

Second Step – Refrain from blaming those around you

Sometimes you’ll get to this step before the first step  – or finding yourself at this step can let you know you’ve passed the first step.  Again, when we’re monitoring physical feelings, thoughts, and emotions throughout our days, we’ll notice when we begin to fall into the blaming others trap.  This is when you find yourself blaming your mood on someone else – “He made me so mad!”  - or when you are looking for someone to blame.  Now it’s time to redirect your energy inward.  Our feelings are not controlled by others.  Although we may have initial reactions to the behavior of others, we have the power and the ability to slow reactions down to a well thought out response.  We react to the behavior of others around us with various emotional responses (negative and positive), depending on our current mood, our thought process, previous interactions, and any number of other factors. It is a pattern of relying on the external blame game that causes us to feel stuck. The longer we choose to blame these reactions on others, the longer it will take to become unstuck.  Focusing our energy on them and their behavior does not promote becoming unstuck.  I recently caught myself being angry with a family member for an offhand comment made about me.  After spending minutes (ok, maybe hours) ranting and thinking about what that person had ‘done to me’, I realized I had just wasted a lot of time.  The comment was only a comment.  Yes, it naturally caused an emotional reaction.  But, I had the opportunity to reframe my reaction into a well thought out response.  This was where my control and power existed in the situation. My ranting and raving at this person’s comment produced nothing positive.  It was keeping me stuck.

Third Step – Look inward

Now that you have recognized your reaction, it is necessary to examine the root of the reaction.  Find some quiet time and space to start looking inside to determine what’s really causing the reaction.  Ask yourself what the emotion you’re feeling is trying to tell you.  What could you be missing by focusing blame on the other person?  What’s the real message deep inside that you’re avoiding by pointing the finger outward instead of focusing your awareness inward?  This is a time for examination with kindness towards yourself and not for self-blame or accusation.  When we genuinely sit down with curiosity about why we’re reacting to someone or something, the answer may not take long to emerge.  It helps to be open to what we are feeling without judgment – even if the feelings are uncomfortable.  When I thought about my reaction and accompanying feelings which were supposedly caused by a family member, I realized that those feelings were masking my own feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.  I just hadn’t been ready to face these uncomfortable feelings yet.

Step 4 – Practice Responding, rather than reacting

A reaction is instantaneous – knee-jerk, reflexive – and it often escalates conflict rather than resolving it.  At the very least it serves to defer inner growth and awareness.  A response is thought out and helps to solve problems while reducing conflict. In this context, by following the steps listed above, a response allows for personal growth to occur in times of discomfort.  When we’ve gone inward to determine our own voice in the situation, we generally come back with a response rather than a reaction.  With practice, we can set aside the reactive feelings that aren’t appropriate to the situation and really listen to what’s going on around us in a way that builds communication and begins to move the situation forward. What I realized in my family disagreement was that I needed to work on my own negative feelings towards myself and not react to every offhanded comment.  Understanding my previous reaction could also help me choose an appropriate response – a response that was not simply based on an emotional reaction.       

When we follow these steps we find it possible to begin solving problems and moving forward while reducing feelings of being stuck.  By shifting responsibility for our feelings to ourselves, we also let go of the need to deal with the feelings of others.  We clear the stage for honest communication that lacks blame and negativity.  This is a way to move forward and find our way on our own path.         

May you awaken to your best self

Welcome to Talk Therapy

In general, when I’m doing something new, I feel a need to provide context for myself. I like to have a couple of things written down to remind myself what my goals are in doing the new thing.  I also like to be able to let others know why they should even care about my new thing.  So…..this blog is my new thing.  Time for some context….
 

Often in session with clients I come across great ideas.  They develop within session, but expand beyond our work in the room.  I then find myself revisiting these ideas with other clients.  It doesn’t take long before a theme emerges and I see that multiple clients across various demographics are struggling with and resolving the same issues.  I’d like to be able to share some of those ideas that emerge within sessions with people completely outside of my in-person practice. 

If you noticed, I said that I often “come across great ideas” rather than saying that I have great ideas.  Sometimes the ideas are fully mine, but many times they develop between me and a client as we process events in and perceptions of their life.  I would venture to guess that if I share these same developing ideas with as many people as possible, we’ll start a conversation that will evolve into even richer ideas and concepts.  I like the idea of continuing the conversations that begin in my office.  I think the diversity of opinions and experiences makes for a richer discussion of the topic.  I encourage you to comment and continue the conversations I will begin each week.

Additionally it helps me to be able to sit with myself to formulate ideas to share with clients.  I am constantly reading various sources and bringing together various concepts in order to create meaningful dialogue in session.  Blogging on a weekly basis will give me the opportunity to develop integrated thoughts on topics that span the field of psychology. I feel that everyone has something to add, and a blog might be just the way to encourage substantial meaningful conversation on various topics of interest.  All the while expanding my understanding and allowing for greater breadth of experience.

This blog will also allow potential clients to hear my voice, as it were, on their screen.  One of the most effective predictors of successful mental health counseling is the perceived fit between counselor and client.  Many people try counseling once and don’t feel connected to the counselor so they never come back.  I want people to be comfortable with me, my personality and way of interacting, even before they walk through the front door at Bodhi.  I want them to feel like there is a level of familiarity prior to opening themselves up in counseling.  I hope that by discussing a variety of topics while being true to my own voice and perspective, I will offer up a non-threatening and relatively easy way to begin the therapeutic process. 

In addition, once someone has “signed on” to work with me in therapy, there is a lot to be done between sessions.  Having a place that pulls all of that potential work together allows for continued therapeutic work between sessions.  I like the idea of therapy stretching out from my office into the world at large. 

My goal is to provide a lot of good information and resources on a variety of topics that seem to come up regularly in sessions.  The areas in which I plan to write include the following:

• Parenting tips and techniques
• Whole Person Wellness
• Addiction and its effect on families
•  General Psychology
• Women’s Issues
• Dealing with Stress, Anxiety, and Depression
• ADHD and other Executive Function disorders

My hope is to explore these topics in a different way than they are often presented providing for a different perspective.  I want to provide information and support that allows for greater understanding of how much power and control you actually have in your own life, regardless of the circumstances in which you find yourself.  I want to begin conversations on these topics and others in a way that allows for compassion and growth. 

I hope this is a good start, and I hope you choose to keep reading.  Expect to see something new at least once a week, and feel free to comment or continue the discussion whenever the mood strikes you.


 

May you awaken to your best self.