Holiday Traditions

Chocolates in the Advent calendar and reading the Christmas story day by day to my mom....fat, bald Santa in his little wooden sleigh (a much loved decoration in my house)....walking to the woods to pick a Christmas tree for my dad to cut down....unwrapping each little wooden figurine for the creche...Candlelight service culminating in singing "Joy to the World"....playing "The Little Drummer Boy" over and over in my living room while sipping fresh hot apple cider....my cousins ringing sleigh bells out in the snowy cold so I would go to bed thinking Santa had arrived...reading my Dad's Christmas letter....

These are the memories of my family traditions. When I recall them they are misty and faraway but warm and comforting. I don't remember feelings of running around, rushing to buy presents for everyone, feeling a need to go to every holiday party, or needing to get exactly the right decorations for the exterior of the house. I remember love.  I remember family.  I remember connection.  I remember happiness.

What I know is that traditions aren't about the things you did...they're about the people you did them with and the feelings they evoked in you. Every year is an opportunity to return to those loving feelings and to create new traditions in your holiday season. 

I don't need gifts, or parties, or cards, or anything else to maintain these traditions. All I need is family, friends, love, and connection. So in just about a week you will find me sipping hot apple cider, listening to "The Little Drummer Boy,"  in front of a warm fire with those I love.

In-Between

Death takes what it will, but it leaves us waiting in the in-between. In between our old life and the new. Crying over memories long gone, while avoiding making new ones without the person we've lost. In between a life of carefree assurances that nothing bad will happen and an existential dread of the next loss.  In between who we hoped we could be and who we are.

In the immediate aftermath of loss we try to maintain what was. We accept condolences and well wishes and seek comfort where we find it. As time passes, well wishers disappear and we're left with a world that seems to be not so patiently tapping its foot waiting for us to get back to "normal."

Normal doesn't exist in the in-between.

What was normal feels distant and sepia-toned.
What will be normal hasn't yet arrived.

There are glimpses of the life to come, but they are cordoned off by hazy reflections of the life that's gone.

Moving from the in-between into the future is a choice. A choice that some never find the space to make. It requires a careful balancing of the known value of our past experience and the unknown potential of the life we have yet to live. It requires a letting go of the intense feelings of loss and accepting the deep continued grief that goes with loving and losing others.

Balance as long as you need to in the in-between. There are many of us here. Eventually something will tip the balance and a spark of hope will begin to burn.  When you've sat long enough in the space of the in-between you'll know it's time to stand up and walk on. Your future self patiently waits for you to begin to live again. 

It's ok. Take the time you need in the in-between.
It's where healing begins.


   

Leadership in an Unconscious World

In this year of wildly partisan politics, it seems to me we are past due for a primer in the fundamental qualities we might look for in a leader. I used to love politics and spent hours discussing them with my late father throughout my lifetime. This year I cringe at the thought of anymore conversations involving the upcoming election. What has changed? The tenor of the argument. Somehow we have unconsciously decided to project all of our unmet needs, expectations, and fears on the candidates making for a thoroughly hysterical discussion at best.

I have yet to hear an argument from anyone about either candidate that seems well thought out, carefully considered, or rational. No matter my personal politics, even those whose views essentially align with my own seem unable to calmly discuss the matters at hand. I hear anger and accusations from all directions, and little concern for the perceived "other." The more each side tries to prove their point, the more they force the other side into defensiveness. Or so it seems from the sidelines.

I remember watching videos years ago of fights breaking out in the parliaments or ruling bodies of foreign lands, and I also remember wondering how they got to that point. Now I understand. When we are so attached to our own beliefs, we lose sight of the humanity of those who believe differently. At some point we become seemingly unable to truly have a discourse and we devolve into the  current state of affairs - anger and attacks abound....compassion and kindness evaporate.

We have offered up candidates who align with our ideas of our best selves and our unconscious fears of our worst selves, or the parts we relegate to the shadow of the psyche. If you ask a Trump supporter what they like about him, you hear echoes of the best of the masculine - strength, directness, family, protection.  If you ask a Clinton supporter what they like about her, you hear traces of the best of the feminine - relationship building, compassion, understanding. If you ask a Trump detractor what they don't like about him, you hear projections of the worst of the masculine - anger, bigotry, bullying, fear of the other.  If you ask a Clinton detractor what they don't like about her, you hear projections of the worst of the feminine - liar, shrill voice, bitch.

What if they are simply canvases upon which we are projecting our hopes and fears? What if our lack of attention to our own personal and collective unconscious has left us unable to see them for who they are - people, with pros and cons, like us all.  I imagine that were we more in touch with our own inner feminine and masculine we would have no need for projecting the disowned parts of ourselves onto our political candidates.

The narrative of the media is that the choice we make will change the world - and in ways too many to count, it will. However, the world has changed before and will change again regardless of our specific choices. This narrative serves only to force us into a collective fight or flight response that shuts down our ability to reason and to collectively move towards compromise and collaboration. As a psychotherapist the only role I have in this melee is to calm the reactive brains. When we allow ourselves to move into the primal parts of our brain we lose the ability to reason and rationally approach the issues at hand.

Whatever happens in November, we can begin a new dialogue down here in the trenches that includes respect for differing ideas, more listening than talking, and a movement towards a compassionate discourse of the complicated issues that face us as a society. If we do the work to own our own shadow qualities along with accepting that we too can be the heroes in our daily interactions, only then will we move towards a respectful, collaborative political environment.

"A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say:  we did it ourselves."  Lao Tzu